auditions...the bane of my existence

For those of you who are not musicians, and for those who are, and would like to commiserate with me, I would like to explain a little something musicians must go through in order to get jobs...auditions. I'm going to concentrate on the orchestral audition, as it hits most closely to home. So if you would indulge me by continuing to read further. A quick disclaimer: as my knowledge concerning the job search in the "outside world" is limited, I have made certain conclusions based mostly on what I believe to be true, but can pretty much be sure, I'm not far off the mark.

Now, musicians audition for all sorts of things, from orchestral positions, to tours, to shows, to music festivals, etc., and if you're some sort of performing artist, these processes are probably very familiar and similar to your own. I think, and perhaps I'm wrong, but because the 'orchestra' is more of an 'institution' than most other ensembles, it has somehow evolved its audition to being so incredibly "fair," for better or for worse, that it becomes an almost alien process that is so remarkably different from actually playing the job, that auditioning requires a skill of its own to win (which I obviously still have yet to master as I have not yet won a professional position). Like I said, I'd like to concentrate on the orchestra audition because really, in my opinion, its one of the weirdest, most unique, messed up ways of looking for someone for a job.

It all starts with the "posting" of an opening of a job. Lets go with the arbitrary instrument of, the kazoo (hopefully you realize there are no kazoo positions in an orchestra, and this is meant purely as a case study example, only). The vacancy will be posted in the union paper, which you receive if you are a part of the union. Ironically, you don't need to be in a union until you're in an orchestra (or play a union gig already), and yet this is how you find out about the opening. Subsequently, most people check the paper from a library, or find out by word of mouth or a third-party website. After applying through mail or email by sending in your resume, you will, hopefully, receive a response from the orchestra personnel manager either inviting you to come, or telling you that you are too inexperienced and suggesting that you not come (as its illegal to refuse anyone the right to audition), or, in conjuction with the latter, that you may send in a recording of your beautiful kazoo playing with a list of orchestral excerpts x, y and z. [A quick note to those who don't know: an orchestral excerpt is usually a difficult or telling passage of some aspect of playing on your instrument from the orchestral repertoire which can be anywhere from 3 to 30 measures long].

Once you are invited, or are asked to come after your recording is accepted, you book a flight and a hotel for the 'preliminary round' audition date. This is all at your own expense (until perhaps the final round which the orchestra may or may not cover your costs). This can be an interesting matter, because more often than not, there are several days of preliminary round auditions...meaning, if you need to book a flight, you obviously need to know what day you're playing on (and what time) so that you can make arrangements accordingly (especially if you want a good price on a plane ticket). While you may have seen all the dates of the audition posted, you still don't know when you're playing until they tell you, which, can sometimes be only a couple weeks before the audition. By this point, tickets prices have often gone up, etc. Not to mention, this whole process is quite expensive, because usually in order to be in top form, you'll want to fly into the audition city the day before, and, if a semi-final round exists the same day as your preliminary round, you'll probably need to stay over another night because you don't know whether you'll advance or not. Plus, you will have sent in a check as a deposit for anywhere from $50 to $100 to reserve your audition time (Granted, you get the check back assuming you show up). Oh, and not to mention, you'll need money for all the meals you'll eat, cabs to and from the airport to your hotel, and unless you happen to land cheap hotel in the middle of a metropolis next to the concert hall, cab fare from your hotel to the audition location. Remind me, do musicians swim in money? The term starving musician suddenly makes sense.

Lets assume for this kazoo audition, you found out your audition details with plenty of time, and you were able to make arrangements without problems. You'll be practicing your kazoo, and the whole list of kazoo excerpts, which may or may not all be asked in the audition, a lot, perfecting that beautiful paper buzz, your intonation, your rhythm, and that quality tone you know you can produce on your expensive, plastic instrument. I forgot to mention, you and maybe 50 to 200 other kazoo players are taking this audition, for the one spot, that opens up once every couple of months? years? So, you fly out the day before, have a pleasant? night's sleep in your hotel, and wake up in time to arrive at the audition a good half-hour before your "hour" of auditions. You'll check in, and usually, if its a well run audition, will be put into your own warm up room. These days, you are assigned an "hour" during which you play, and there can be anywhere from 5 to 10 people within you hour. However, some auditions are run where everyone who is auditioning that day shows up at the same time, then draws 'straws' to find out when you will play within the day. Lets assume for this kazoo audition, its the case of the former. At this point, you'll be given the order which you are to play within your hour, and thus can somewhat guess what time you'll play (which usually isn't accurate, as things run like a typical doctor's office). So finally, as you're warming up in your room, hands a little sweaty, hearing everyone else buzzing away on their kazoos, wondering why you got into this business and whether you should even be playing the kazoo at all, the proctor of the audition knocks at your door informing you, "Its time." They lead you down the hall, as if you're walking the "green mile" or something, get to the stage door, and give you a last look of, good luck, hah! You walk out on stage, on a carpet mind you (because they don't want to know whether you are male or female), and they announce your number, since the committee, made up of prominent orchestra members, is behind a screen in the audience and can't see you or know who you are. The list of excerpts for the day more than likely was given to you when you checked in that day, a much smaller list of maybe 5 or 6 from the big list you were given initially. Sometimes they'll pull a stunt and put excerpts in front of you, one at a time, so you don't know what you're playing next until it hits you in the face. So, you play a couple excepts, and usually, there's a cut-off point...that way if you're really sucking, they at least "gave you the chance to play," and say "Thank you!" Or if you're sounding good, they'll let you continue, and finish up the list. Don't miss a note! They may even ask you to play one or two over again, if they like what they're hearing, which is a good sign. This doesn't happen too often, as they have a million other kazoo's to listen to in the day. Assuming you got to play the whole list, this whole process takes, oh, I don't know, maybe 5 minutes...fun fun. Now this process right here, in some case, some orchestras might have up to three different rooms with three different committees, simultaneously listening to kazoo players. This typically happens if they have a really large pool of applicants. Maybe I'm wrong here, but I personally can't see how three different committees can have any sort of consistancy in what they're listening for. Regardless, after you audition, you're then led to a holding room. There you wait nervously, because after the committee hears that hour of applicants play, they quickly confer, and choose, if anyone, who to advance to the next round, based on, usually annonymous votes...because heaven forbid anyone know your opinion of someone's playing. The proctor will then come into the room and announce who advanced. I've heard of days, and whole auditions (several days worth of people playing, mind you), where NOBODY advanced. And I'm not talking about advanced=winning the job. No, I'm talking about, advancing to the next round, or semi-final round. And there are typically three rounds, preliminary, semi, and final rounds. These days, even if you get that far, you still haven't won the job. If you and someone else (or more) do happen to make it to the final round, you'll each be asked to play maybe a week or two with the orchestra in a trial period. If that works out, then, they might consider you the winner of the audition. Even then, you're still under a probationary period, which can last up to a year and a half, and, if you aren't given tenure after this period, at least in the orchestra world, that means they don't want you, so go look elsewhere.

Anyway, if you've been able to do this yourself, kudos to you...and personally, and maybe foolishly, I still have hope and faith that this will happen to me. BUT...I have to say, its often quite discouraging to practice your kazoo hours a day, spend a whole heck of a lot of money (which typically musicians, other than Britney Spears and Snoop Dogg, don't have a whole heck of a lot of) and time to be put into an unnatural situation where you have to play at your optimum level, and show, in 5 minutes, with some weird 10 bar excerpts, that you are the best kazoo player they're going to hear. Its possible...but hard. And I know, thats not exactly the way any typical business conducts interviews for its jobs. So goes it...we've chosen the field ourselves, so I guess thats what we asked for. However, I have to say, once you've won the job, its pretty sweet. You're doing what you love, and being paid to do it. So, the next time you go to the symphony, remember what these people have gone through, and know they've got some skills...Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods, Roger Federer skills...well, maybe not, but at least on their instruments.